| Jan. 20th, 2006 @ 05:42 am Wow, I feel like shit |
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Current Mood:  crappy
Okay, I know I don't update this to often, and probably don't have many readers, if any. But man, I feel like the scum of the earth right now.
Let's see if I can paraphrase all that's happened up till now. It all started back in October of 2004. Well, I went to ICC in North Carolina and got a car from my Dad in NY right after losing my job in Phoenix. I thought, what the hell, I have friends in PA that want to go, who need rides there but not back, it's on my way, why not. So off I go, and all is good. Then at the end of ICC, the people from PA who had rides, didn't anymore. So I again decided to be nice and say, sure, I'll give you a ride back, I just recievd a $1000 inheritance, I'm sure I can cash it somewhere so I can go back home. Then every place I talk to won't cash it because it's too much, and no bank will give me an account. I'm now in a catch 22, but the friends I drove back are letting me crash there since I don't have the money to go home. Everything after that became a huge rollercoaster for me.
I'm hanging with them, and while I'm doing that, I meet this wonderful girl who I fall head over heels in love with by the name of Amy. I'm sure many of you have read her LJ and so have some clue as to what happened there. For my side of the story, I actually agree with her for the most part. I was lazy and selfish, I was trying to find work and was turning down jobs that didn't "pay me enough". I put her through a living hell, and through it all, she still loved me. Looking back at it all, I can see what I was doing, at the time though, I was too prideful to see it. I thought, hey, we love each other, and we are still making it even though we are struggling. I'll just help out around the house by making dinner and doing dishes and the like to help pay my side of the rent.
"What about the $1000 inheritance?" You may be asking. Well, on Thanksgiving of that year, I flew back to Utah to see My family and my daughter. While there, I deposited it into my bank account and all was looking good... until I went to Phoenix to pick up my stuff. See, during the months of October and November, I called my roommates there maybe 2 or 3 times to keep them updated, a real lousy job of it honestly. And then with my moving out, I thought I was helping them, because I didn't know how things would work with money and such, I didn't think that my moving out would hurt them financially, at least, not as much as my staying. Again, selfish me, thinking of myself first. So they were pissed off, and rightfully so, after all, I had promised to stay until March, and here I was leaving in December. Some of the money I had went to getting to Phoenix from Utah, some went towards my plane ticket from Phoenix back to PA and some went to pay my roommates some of what I owed them. I still owe them, and hopefully I'll actually get out of this rut and get a job so I can.
So I flew back to PA with what I could take on the plane, left the rest with them to do God knows what with it, I was hoping they'd just sell it all so we would be even, though I'm not sure if they did or not. And I was back in PA, and I was happy. I was with a girl I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Such was not the case. I thought jobs would be easy to get, nope, lets of calls, no actual offers. Then you add on the fuck up with Verizon, me forgetting to write down a whole 2 speeding tickets for a job where I don't even drive just pissed me off. The only other things I could find, were minimum wage at gas stations. In my mind, I was trying. I guess to everyone else, I was a burden.
Well, I was happy with Amy for awhile, and honestly, there's a part of me that still wishes it never ended. But those that know me, know I'm very optimistic, blindly so, and want to make everyone around me happy. Amy was cynical and as pessimistic as I was optimistic. When we got together, I thought, hey, we are opposite so we can balance each other out. How wrong I was, eventually I just felt drained, I started to feel depressed. And eventually, I was no longer the happy optimistic person I normally am, I was just a dull me. I don't blame Amy for it honestly. She is a wonderful girl and will make someone very happy, she made me happy for a long time. I think alot of it was I felt useless to her. I felt like I couldn't cheer her up no matter what I did, and most of all, I felt like I was useless because everything kept coming back to money, which I was not making.
So I concieved of a plan, that just went further to show my selfishness. I spoke to some friends in London, Ontario that I met over IRC and came up with a plan to move there to work, and do the whole Long Distance relationship with Amy. The problem was, by this time we were having alot of problems and some of the friends on IRC were girls who thought I was this great catch. Yeah, it's the male cheavanist in me, but it was a great pick me up to think I wasn't so bad after all. Amy had concerns about the whole long distance thing, and then when we had a split, she read the IRC logs and saw I was flirting with one girl in particular, Alia.
Was I honestly thinking of dating Alia, or was I thinking of cheating on Amy? Hell no. I was in love damnit, and I wanted things to work. Problem was, the selfishness in my flirting caused a major backfire to anything working with Amy and I. She no longer trusted me and things ended on a particularly sour note.
So off I go to London, all starry eyed thinking, now my life can get settled. I met Alia and we hit things off. Again, I was happy.I found a job right away, it didn't pay alot, but it paid enough for me to go to the occasional movie or get the occasional book. After a month, I started to ignore Amy because she said some things that royally pissed me off, probably because she was right. The final straw though was when she called Alia a whore. No one insults my love. So things went on great with Alia.
Again we were happy, and again my selfishness got in the way. This time my selfishness resolved around Alia being the one to take care of the house. Hell I was working, I was tired when I came home. I never thought about the fact that she was working too, that she was just as tired as I was. It started to dawn on me, and I was working on it, and we were happy again. I proposed, she said yes, and 2 weeks later everything ended. Alia felt that I stopped trying to fix things when she said yes, I don't know if I did, I thought I was trying. Then there was the fact that we sometimes needed time to ourselves, which was almost impossible in our small apartment. Finally, it came to the fact that I wanted us to settle down and have a family, and Alia wasn't sure she was ready. So on November 1st, off I go again.
My mom ended up calling to tell me she was getting married in 2 weeks and I had to be there. I couldn't get the time off. And honestly, I was so hurt over Alia, I didn't want to be in London anymore, because I knew if I stayed, I would have just made an ass of myself begging her to take me back. So I moved back to Utah, which lasted all of a month. Problem of being around close friends and family when they are all happy and in loving relationships, is I just got out of one and couldn't heal there either.
So in December, I moved back to where it all started. Back to PA. Had a few friends here willing to put me up until I find work, and things are going well, though I've hit the same wall I did last time I was here. Lots of calls, no offers. I might have a few opportunities in Utah, or back in Phoenix, so I may be moving again... who knows. All I know is I need to find a place to settle down, because once I can settle down I can get my life in order and maybe, just maybe get in a relationship where I won't have my selfishness interfere with it. |
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